Monthly Archives: July 2006

Forwarded From My Mom

Generally there are few things that I dislike more than getting forwarded jokes.  I’m not sure why exactly, but it always seems pretty close to friends sending me spam.  Most friends know me well enough not to do it, but my mom still does.  And she’s my mom, so what can I do?

Anyway, this past week I saw a forward from her in my in-box and sighed.  But when I opened it I realized it was a joke alright, but one she was just sending to me.  It said:

Subject: Parenting….

One day Mom was cleaning junior’s room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don’t think you should spank him."

Something I’ve written about before for the newsgroup is that yes, my mom kind of knows what it is we do.  That is, she knows where Paul and I met and she knows that we’re both into spanking.  She knows this because she told me that she and my dad do it, and have since my dad told her about his fantasy of spanking her 5 years into their marriage, and so I then told her about Paul and me.

What doesn’t she know?  She doesn’t know I / we play with other people.  She doesn’t know we go to Shadow Lane parties (though I always check carefully to make sure they’re not going to be there).  And she doesn’t know that Paul punishes me for real life stuff. 

The day after that conversation, I posted the following to soc.sexuality.spanking:

A Conversation With My Mother

A few weeks ago there was a thread on the group about coming out to a family member or friend.  And questions as to why one should or shouldn’t "come-out."  I wrote that I intended to tell my parents some day —  that I wanted them to know how Pablo and I met and that I’m not ashamed of who I am or what I  do.  And  I expressed a desire that they understand the beauty  of it — that between Pab and me this spanking / discipline /punishment is an expression of love.

Brave thoughts, but I never did anything about it.  Too scared or didn’t have the right chance.  But the other day, when my mom and I were talking, that chance came.   Not because of my courage but because of my mother’s.   

My mother came out to me.  And I came out to her.

"You know, your dad likes to paddle me.  For fun. . ."   

<blank stare from me… am I blushing?>

"And I like it too.  To give up control and have him decide.  To be totally submissive to him, makes me feel very cared for, and very free."

<nodding more. . . stammering?>

"Th-that’s a fantasy — a fantasy of mine too Mom."

"I’ve always thought it was very brave of your dad to tell me.   It was five years into our marriage.  It’s thing that is most important to him sexually you know."

<slower nod>

"I understood, or tried to.  Let him take me into the bathroom (you kids were so small we worried about noise all the time) and he carried a huge gold chair in there.  He wanted me to kneel over the arm."

<more nodding. . . am I reading this?  is my mom talking to me?  *De-lurking* to me??  Can I — should I tell her about Pablo  and me??>

"I guess, um, he’d been thinking about it a while?"

"Yes, he had to turn the chair side ways to get it in the bathroom.   We tried a lot of things over the years.  The noise you know.  And he doesn’t like to mark me.  Paddles, hand, switches… and some strange whippy thing he got somewhere.  <her voice lower, softer>  A, um, sex shop.  But mostly now switches."

"I’d wondered before about you and Dad. You know, because you have the Anne Rice Beauty book’s."

"Uh-huh.  I read them.  And The Story of O … and DeSade.  Though that was too much for me. 

"I’ve never been able to get through him."

"It sure gets really extreme at the end."

<silence —  silence — silence bursting open>

"I have to tell you something Mom.  Or rather, I want to tell you  something.  I totally understand.  Paul (that’s Pablo to all you) and I met on a  spanking newsgroup.  You  knew we met on the internet?  Well  that’s where. "

"What?" 

"We both write spanking stories.  We started e-mailing each other about them."

"Do you spank him?"

<small smile to myself and shake of the head>

"No, mostly he spanks me.   It makes me feel cared for, free, even well, beautiful."

<she nods> 

"Loved?"

"Yes.  Because as much as I want him to, he wants to.  But he respects me as his equal."

"Yes, that’s so important between your Dad and me.  He says my submission is so powerful for him because I’m so strong.  And don’t submit to anyone else."

"Paul says he always sees me as his equal because I *am* his equal.  What I’m not is the same.  I need something different from what he needs.  I — I want him to take care of me Mom.  And he wants to take care of me.  You know?"

<silence. . . nodding. . . more silence>  Of course she knows.

"Will you give me some stories to read?"

<thinks for a moment>

"Yes, I will."

I’ve never felt so close to her, and seen her as so very much my friend.  Never felt so much understanding between us, both of us seeing the other as strong, and knowing the feeling of submitting, of turning over control to another.  My hand brushed  away tears and I felt so grateful to my mother for lifting the last cobwebs of shame and secrecy from my kink.  My sister knows the truth, my mom knows.  No one in my family will ever think  Pablo spanks me for any reason other than that he loves me. 

What a Very Good Thing!

Later on the phone with Pablo. . .

<laughing>

"Guess we won’t have to worry about the noise when we stay with your parents!!"

"Yes we bloody well will worry!!!  I don’t wanna hear them and I sure don’t want them to hear me."

<more laughter>

I have to admit it seems less, um *subversive* when you know your parents  do it too!

Having my mom know is great in a lot of ways.  The downside?  I think I’m the only person other than my father that knows about what it is they do.  And so she wants to talk to me about it.  The thing is though, she’s still my mom and the man in question is my father.  So there’s some things I just don’t want to hear about. 

A couple of years ago when Secretary came out on DVD she bought and kept trying to get me to watch it with her.  We’d both already seen it, but she wanted especially to watch it with me.  I felt frantic to come up with excuses as to why I couldn’t watch it with her.  Fortunately life is pretty busy and that moment past.  It feel a bit odd sometimes to have this secret with her as for years she and I weren’t very close at all.  Good though, despite the bits of awkwardness. 

Anyway, there’s some thoughts about me and my mom.

A Small World

It all really comes down to Severus Snape and spanking, doesn’t it?

Or is that just for me?

Anyway, I was reminded today that:

  • a) this ‘net really isn’t such a big place after all  AND
  • b) that it’s nice and important to actually praise authors.  You know, like by sending them email.  I didn’t do that and now feel slightly abashed.

This sort of all started a couple years ago when the lovely (yet oddly naughty) Haron recommended the Ashwinder site (fanfic site dedicated to the Severus Snape / Hermione Granger pairing).  I’d never explored fanfic of any kind, and soon found myself spending hours and hours reading these stories and surfing around looking for others on the ‘net. 

A few months ago I found a wonderful story by Mikki_Rose (Snape, Hermione, school scene, spanking… plus delightfully imaginative writing — I was an instant fan).  Did I write to her and tell her how much I had enjoyed it?  No.  What I did was send an emailed link to a couple of friends (including Haron) with the subject line: "Best Snape / Hermione Story E V E R." But nothing at all to the author. 

Shame on me!

Today was my birthday.  Paul gave me a Gryffindor sweater, scarf and school tie from the Whimsic Alley shop — they’re right down the street — and Haron very sweetly posted part of Mikki’s story and a link.  (Are you still with me?)  I saw it this morning and thanked her for the happy birthday wishes and again praised the story.

Okay, so I was checking their blog before bed (and my birthday spanking).  Guess who had just found the entry?  That’s right, the author herself, who was a little surprised (and happily, flattered) to find her story being discussed. 

So anyway, thank you again for sharing that story, Mikki Rose.  And I’m sorry I never wrote and told you how much I liked it.  And to everyone else, if you haven’t read it, what are you still doing here?

That’s it.  There’s only 17 more minutes and then it won’t be my birthday any more. 

‘Night!
 

The Downside of Short Hair

The upside is that it’s a lot easier for me to be a school boy now. 

The downside is that when, half way through my ice blended vanilla latte, I notice a long, curly brown hair snagged between the cup and the lid, I can’t even pretend that it might be my own.

Ewwww!

Sunday Brunch at Bonnie’s

For this week’s Sunday Brunch question, Bonnie asked:

Other than spanking implements, are there any toys you employ during a spanking session? If so, please describe your favorites and how they enhance your experience. If not, are there any such toys that you would like to own?

I wrote an answer in the comments section of her blog but I had to kind of rush it because a vanilla friend was headed over to take me to see The Devil Wears Prada (we ended up chatting for so long that we missed the film so went make-up shopping instead).

Anyway, this is an expanded version of my answers there.  ūüôā

My first thought was… nothing, we just do spanking stuff.  I guess that just goes to show how much these things have become just part of wiiwd.

Things we use (at least sometimes)

  • Lots of dressing up stuff, especially school uniforms, stiff collared shirts and school knickers.
  • a corner of the room (assuming a corner can count as a thing)
  • a high stool or a regular chair (for bending or being tied over.
  • pillows
  • rectal thermometer (o-the-shame)
  • plug (o the shame)
  • enema stuff (O THE SHAME)

Used rarely:

  • wrist cuffs
  • blindfold
  • vibrating egg
  • school book / notebooks and the like

Things we don’t have but I’d like us to get:

  • spreader bar
  • an adult sized school desk
  • school room / "play’ room (in my wildest dreams)

Most of the stuff, as you can probably guess, is used when we’re doing scenes with a school feel.  Others are for the very embarrassing anal play feeling.

Lots of people assume, because of the school uniforms plus the stories Paul and I have written that we do a lot of role play.  This isn’t the case.  Although I’ve been doing scenes as a adult for almost 9 years, I can count the number of real role play scenes I’ve done on my fingers and toes.  And the ones I’ve done with Paul on just my fingers. 

Role play is something I’d like to do more of, but it comes a lot easier for me than it does for him and it takes a lot of his energy.  While I enjoy being someone else (or rather, me as another self), Paul enjoys scenes most that are close to who he really is.  And he’s not my teacher, headmaster or daddy. 

Plus, one of the first (and only) times we tried a guardian / child scene, we were both very new to this.  My resistance got out of control and became very unpleasant for both of us, yet I didn’t feel able to just step out of the scene.  I guess part of me was too afraid of it failing and us never doing anything like it again.  We hadn’t even considered that he, as the top, might need a safeword and so he felt trapped in a scene that had spiraled away from both of us.  It was just bad and unhappy all the way around… a terrible experience.  The result?  We never have played that dynamic again.  And when we do play, I’m very self-conscious for fear of it not being good for him.  I’m not sure we’ll ever do it enough for this to really go away either.

Instead, the roleplays that I need seem to happen in my head outside of our actual scenes with the dynamic and scenes with Paul providing both fodder and release.  Maybe it’s not ideal.  But it’s pretty close.  And very good in its own right.   

Porn, Mija Style

lonely-dollNo, this isn’t a post about the Ashwinder site (where I can sometimes be found spending way too much time reading Snapeporn).

But my spanking fetish comes from way back.¬† I can’t even remember a time when I didn’t have spanking fantasies.¬† Like so many of us, as a child and teen I used to comb the libraries and book shops for spanking references in books and the (wildly rare) drawing.¬† Those that I found as a child (especially this one from Dare Wright’s The Lonely Doll or another, like the story “A Friend in Need” from An All-of-a-Kind Family) were and are especially dear.

the-spanking-machine1While typing this I’ve had a rather odd fetish thought, perhaps more suited for Adele’s site then mine.¬† But I’m imagining a series of photos done with one of the lovely long-haired and sad-eyed spanking models (I’m thinking of Bailey or Katie Spades perhaps, or even sweet Adele herself) dressed as Edith over the knee of a man in a bear costume.¬† Am I alone in thinking that would be a¬†wonderfully fun thing to see?¬† Or is it just too darn pervvy?

the-spanking-machine2Anyway, this all came up because the delightful Kessily from soc.sexuality.spanking — she’s running the short story contest this year — found some wonderful spanking pictures in some recent children’s books (ah the uses of summer reading!) and scanned them.¬† ¬†I’m putting them up here both because they’re wonderful and also so they’d be linked¬†somewhere on the ‘net.

In my opinion, of course, these images are all wonderful — these first three are from “The Spanking Machine” from the book Woodland Folk Meet the Giants, by Tony Wolf. Clicking on any of these images will give you a larger pop-up.¬† I’m not sure what the little fox has done, but clearly s/he’s either been very naughty or is being rather unfairly treated.¬† I love that s/he’s doing the “post spanking” walk afterward, a little bit of a rub and, one imagines, a slightly gingerly walk.

the-spanking-machine3Personally I’ve never really been fascinated much by spanking machine stories or pictures, drawings of them, preferring to have fantasies about the human touch, so to speak.¬† However, I know there are lots of people who love ’em and even try and build them.¬† ¬†These images Kessily scanned seem especially nice and perhaps hope to guarantee another generation of spanko kids who get off on the thought of some sort of mechanized masochism.¬† One can at least hope so anyway!

But the pictures that did it for me, that really touched some sort of deep spanko chord from somewhere inside my childhood were the drawing she scanned from a story book called From Me To You by Paul Rogers.¬† ¬†The book is told as a grandmother’s nostalgic journey through her family’s history, as told by her to her small granddaughter. The grandmother recalls her childhood in Edwardian England to her marriage to her husband, and his departure for World War II.¬† The spanking occurs when the children make the mistake of throwing mud onto clean laundry on the line (think how very naughty!).

from-me-to-you1Aside from the fact the pictures themselves (see, I told you we’d get to them) are wonderful and beautifully rendered with lovely period clothing,¬†I was especially touched by that description because the timing (that is, the imagined age of the grandmother) because it’s so close to my own Nana’s.¬† And I remember her telling stories about the mischief she and her brother would get up to and how they almost always got away with it, but there was the risk of the occasional thrashing, with her brother getting spanked much harder then she did because he was older and a boy.

from-me-to-you2I couldn’t help think of her and my great-uncle when I saw the picture of the little girl standing on tip-toe to watch her brother getting smacked in the study, knowing that she’s next.¬† At least that’s what I imagine happening anyway, I would have to get the book in order to be quite sure.

My thoughts when looking at the boy over his father’s knee?¬† Well, that if I’m ever brave enough, one day there will be a picture of me in my proper school boy uniform, complete with short pants and blazer on this site.¬† ¬†Maybe after my next hair cut.

Um. But don’t hold your breath!

Good News

Although I haven’t had a chance to talk to her personally, my boss and her family made it back to Los Angeles safely.  Definitely good news. 

It wasn’t easy.  As soon as the bombing happened, they packed up everything and left Beirut.  This turned out to be a good choice, despite state department warnings that they should stay put.  The bombing and fighting have gotten worse every day for the past week and travel has become increasingly more dangerous.  They made their way out by travel to Jordan via Tripoli (the one in Lebanon) and Homs (in Syria) by means of a series of taxis and buses before finally flying out of Amman. 

I can only imagine how hard this was — especially (so her email says) at the border crossings.  During the whole of the journey they were cut off from both their friends in the states and their family in Beirut. 

She said to thank everyone who has offered prayers and support for them as they made their way home.  And finally that we remember, as she does, the others that are

still trapped and those left behind (including my family members) are now struggling without food, water, electricity, and gas.

Thank you all for caring so much.  Hopefully I’ll see her by the end of the week and and can find out a bit more.  But the important news is that they’re back. 

 

Work Worries

It’s been a tense and crazy week at work, with a strong probability that I’m going to be asked to work full-time for a month or so.

At first it was just the usual editing deadline nuttiness coupled with my boss being away for three weeks for a visit with her family to their home country. And there lies the huge complication. She and her family (elderly father, brother, sister-in-law and baby) are in Lebanon. They were supposed to fly back from Beruit yesterday — but Wednesday it became clear that wasn’t about to happen. No one will be flying out of Beruit for sometime.

Where are they? How are they? The answer is that we have no idea. Messages sent via email and mobile phones are unanswered (and if you knew my boss, that means that she either can’t get our messages or can’t get one out). All we can do is watch and wait and try and guess when and how they’ll be able to get out. They’re American citizens (some by birth, some naturalized Palastinians) and Christian — we imagine it wouldn’t be very safe for them to try and head for the border. Plus there’s a baby.

So far as I can see, there’s no plan yet to evacuate American citizens. All we can do is hope and pray they’re all right.

Maid For a Day or Disciplining Myself

[I mused a bit about putting this in The Punishment Book… maybe it does go there too, I’m just not sure.  It’s the whole too many blogs thing all over again!]

Today something rather unusual is happening. I get to be at home in the apartment and Paul has to be away at work (he generally works from home). In my secret heart I wanted to surprise him and me by cleaning a bit and re-organizing our bedroom while he was away (this is not usual for me).

Last night as I was dropping off to sleep I came up with the idea (based probably on some posts and conversations with Tasha), of basically thinking of myself as a maid for today — wearing something that made me feel right (though I sadly don’t have anything like this, much as that would be pretty perfect), coming up with a list of tasks and doing them like it was my job to complete them.

What I’m wearing for this:

  • white tank top
  • white sports bra
  • blue checked panties (so cute!)
  • white ankle socks
  • green and white striped apron
  • {short black swim skirt for going out to the trash bins and laundry room}

I’ll write more about how it felt after I get finished, but I wanted to write my list of tasks (so I can get to cross off the ones I finish).

  • sort all laundry into bags
  • washable (hand and machine)
  • dry cleaning / shirt laundry
  • get rid of (eBay, charity, trash)
  • change bed
  • clean and organize closet
  • vacuum
  • dust
  • Swifer
  • wash windows
  • wash curtains

It’s 10:30 PM and I finished all my tasks plus an extra two loads of washing. Our bedroom is just as clean and tidy as it’s ever been (so weird that Paul’s desk is now the messy bit!). I’ve had my bath and am very very tired but doing this was really interesting and is definitely something I want to think about some more.

Seeing our room makes me feel pleased and proud — especially that I finally washed the windows and curtains since I’ve been meaning to do that since spring came. But wow did I underestimate the time it would take to clean and re-organize the closet! Paul was surprised (especially by the outfit) when he got home, but was pleased about it, something I didn’t expect. Sometimes my all or nothing style of cleaning bothers him and I sort of expected that reaction. Plus I’d cleared out some of his stuff as well as my own. Usually he’s pretty emphatic about not wanting me to clean anything that belongs to him. So his being pleased made my pleasure in doing this all the more deeply felt.

More thoughts later perhaps when I’m more awake and better able to think.

Pieces of me you’ve never seen

Okay, well, some of you probably have.  At least you’ve seen some of the others.  But not all. Well, except for a few of you.

So here are all my web pieces:

el tercer ojo (okay, you’re here, you know about this one)
The Punishment Book (a group blog about discipline and punishment.  I’m Mija.)
A Smaller Target (my blog about my duodenal switch surgery and its after effects.)

The thing is, I was realizing this past weekend, I’ve got a lot of blogs.  This realization came about this weekend as I considered starting a blog for scene /spanking stuff that doesn’t fit on The Punishment Book.  I’ve been sort of inspired by Haron and Abel’s blog and thought it would be interesting to have a blog shared with Paul as I’ve discovered via the PB how much fun it can be to blog with other people.  But when I broached the topic, Paul was less excited.

Paul has his own blog already.  Sometimes he writes about scene stuff there, generally not — his blog style tends toward essays of his thoughts on a given subject at a given moment.  He likes having all his pieces together, as it were.  I can’t fault him for that.  He has a place where everything he wants to write always fits. I keep trying to give myself that — a place where all my writing can fit (it was part of my intention with A Smaller Target (hence the name)) but I worry a bit too much about giving too much information to readers who aren’t interested in X or Y but come to read about Z. Especially since A Smaller Target is read by a lot of my family (I think my parents have given the blog address to everyone they know) and my vanilla friends.  There’s stuff I can’t write when I think of them reading it.

And that is the difference between the two of us.  Paul isn’t writing for other people.  For me, the audience / community created by writing is much more the thing (of course that means I tend not to write when I’m feeling a bit down, but we all know that).

But is the solution really to divide my life up into different blogs, each piece with its own site?  I’m not sure.  I think this blog, for a while anyway, will be my experiment in blogging about just anything. 

At least for a little while…