Generally there are few things that I dislike more than getting forwarded jokes. I’m not sure why exactly, but it always seems pretty close to friends sending me spam. Most friends know me well enough not to do it, but my mom still does. And she’s my mom, so what can I do?
Anyway, this past week I saw a forward from her in my in-box and sighed. But when I opened it I realized it was a joke alright, but one she was just sending to me. It said:
One day Mom was cleaning junior’s room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don’t think you should spank him."
Something I’ve written about before for the newsgroup is that yes, my mom kind of knows what it is we do. That is, she knows where Paul and I met and she knows that we’re both into spanking. She knows this because she told me that she and my dad do it, and have since my dad told her about his fantasy of spanking her 5 years into their marriage, and so I then told her about Paul and me.
What doesn’t she know? She doesn’t know I / we play with other people. She doesn’t know we go to Shadow Lane parties (though I always check carefully to make sure they’re not going to be there). And she doesn’t know that Paul punishes me for real life stuff.
The day after that conversation, I posted the following to soc.sexuality.spanking:
A Conversation With My Mother
A few weeks ago there was a thread on the group about coming out to a family member or friend. And questions as to why one should or shouldn’t "come-out." I wrote that I intended to tell my parents some day — that I wanted them to know how Pablo and I met and that I’m not ashamed of who I am or what I do. And I expressed a desire that they understand the beauty of it — that between Pab and me this spanking / discipline /punishment is an expression of love.
Brave thoughts, but I never did anything about it. Too scared or didn’t have the right chance. But the other day, when my mom and I were talking, that chance came. Not because of my courage but because of my mother’s.
My mother came out to me. And I came out to her.
"You know, your dad likes to paddle me. For fun. . ."
<blank stare from me… am I blushing?>
"And I like it too. To give up control and have him decide. To be totally submissive to him, makes me feel very cared for, and very free."
<nodding more. . . stammering?>
"Th-that’s a fantasy — a fantasy of mine too Mom."
"I’ve always thought it was very brave of your dad to tell me. It was five years into our marriage. It’s thing that is most important to him sexually you know."
"I understood, or tried to. Let him take me into the bathroom (you kids were so small we worried about noise all the time) and he carried a huge gold chair in there. He wanted me to kneel over the arm."
<more nodding. . . am I reading this? is my mom talking to me? *De-lurking* to me?? Can I — should I tell her about Pablo and me??>
"I guess, um, he’d been thinking about it a while?"
"Yes, he had to turn the chair side ways to get it in the bathroom. We tried a lot of things over the years. The noise you know. And he doesn’t like to mark me. Paddles, hand, switches… and some strange whippy thing he got somewhere. <her voice lower, softer> A, um, sex shop. But mostly now switches."
"I’d wondered before about you and Dad. You know, because you have the Anne Rice Beauty book’s."
"Uh-huh. I read them. And The Story of O … and DeSade. Though that was too much for me.
"I’ve never been able to get through him."
"It sure gets really extreme at the end."
<silence — silence — silence bursting open>
"I have to tell you something Mom. Or rather, I want to tell you something. I totally understand. Paul (that’s Pablo to all you) and I met on a spanking newsgroup. You knew we met on the internet? Well that’s where. "
"We both write spanking stories. We started e-mailing each other about them."
"Do you spank him?"
<small smile to myself and shake of the head>
"No, mostly he spanks me. It makes me feel cared for, free, even well, beautiful."
"Yes. Because as much as I want him to, he wants to. But he respects me as his equal."
"Yes, that’s so important between your Dad and me. He says my submission is so powerful for him because I’m so strong. And don’t submit to anyone else."
"Paul says he always sees me as his equal because I *am* his equal. What I’m not is the same. I need something different from what he needs. I — I want him to take care of me Mom. And he wants to take care of me. You know?"
<silence. . . nodding. . . more silence> Of course she knows.
"Will you give me some stories to read?"
<thinks for a moment>
"Yes, I will."
I’ve never felt so close to her, and seen her as so very much my friend. Never felt so much understanding between us, both of us seeing the other as strong, and knowing the feeling of submitting, of turning over control to another. My hand brushed away tears and I felt so grateful to my mother for lifting the last cobwebs of shame and secrecy from my kink. My sister knows the truth, my mom knows. No one in my family will ever think Pablo spanks me for any reason other than that he loves me.
What a Very Good Thing!
Later on the phone with Pablo. . .
"Guess we won’t have to worry about the noise when we stay with your parents!!"
"Yes we bloody well will worry!!! I don’t wanna hear them and I sure don’t want them to hear me."
I have to admit it seems less, um *subversive* when you know your parents do it too!
Having my mom know is great in a lot of ways. The downside? I think I’m the only person other than my father that knows about what it is they do. And so she wants to talk to me about it. The thing is though, she’s still my mom and the man in question is my father. So there’s some things I just don’t want to hear about.
A couple of years ago when Secretary came out on DVD she bought and kept trying to get me to watch it with her. We’d both already seen it, but she wanted especially to watch it with me. I felt frantic to come up with excuses as to why I couldn’t watch it with her. Fortunately life is pretty busy and that moment past. It feel a bit odd sometimes to have this secret with her as for years she and I weren’t very close at all. Good though, despite the bits of awkwardness.
Anyway, there’s some thoughts about me and my mom.