Talking With the Doctor

Even though I live in a big city, I used to have a lot of worries about talking to my doctors about my kink activities. How self-conscious was I? Enough that I even made sure to schedule pelvic exams around brazil waxes in case the lack of hair caused questions.

What changed all that was a bad scene that required me to seek medical treatment. I had to explain everything. As I was doing so, I realized that all any of these doctors and nurses wanted was to help take care of my body and get well. There was no judgement (at least none that I could see which is all that really matters), no embarrassment (from them, I was certainly embarrassed enough for three people), just care.

As time has gone on I’ve learned to take a deep breath and ask / talk about my kinks with frankness as though I don’t expect judgement or surprise. Thus far, there’s been none.

It’s helped to read about other people doing the same thing. Natty, a fellow Punishment Book poster with her own blog, has an especially good account of a conversation on her blog here.

As well as an entry with a great deal of information on what she’s learned about spanking and anticoagulants.

Yet another PB writer with her own blog, Dykk Grrl, and her wife W have had conversation about What It Is We Do with their therapists and have written about it here.

So all that said, what happened yesterday?

Yesterday I had my first appointment with a new psychiatrist. New to me anyway — the doctor himself is probably in his 70s. For the first 15 or 20 minutes, the questions were mostly medical (trying to see what medications I can and can’t take). Then they became personal.

But not too personal. Until suddenly, he asked:

“Do you experience hyper-sexuality or “inappropriate” sexual urges?”

Dead stop from me. Sexual urges? Since I don’t do vanilla sex, I don’t generally think of myself as even having sexual urges.

The doctor misunderstood my shock.

“That sounded like a value or moral judgement, didn’t it? I don’t mean it that way. Just answer as best you can.”

So I had a choice. I could either go into detail about my fetish or just answer the questions basically replacing in my head the spanking fetish for sex. It was tempting, but the problem with being cagey is that eventually truth always comes out and it only gets harder.

I took a deep breath, answered the question and then replied further that I have an alternative sort of sexuality.

He looked up from the notes he’d been writing. I swallowed hard.

“My husband and I met on a sexually oriented internet group.”

Pause. In retrospect it was easier telling him than it had been telling our immigration attorney. In both cases though, I sure was glad about the whole confidentiality thing.

“What sort of alternative sexuality?”

The word “spanking” suddenly regained the magical power it had had 11 plus years ago when I first de-lurked. Far too late, I tried to be vague.

“Um, BDSM, S/M sorts of things. Impact play based.”

The doctor nodded.

“And what are you?”

“Oh, um, I guess one would call it me a “spanking fetishist.”

One? Did I really refer to myself as “one” out loud for goodness sake?

“Yes, I understood,” he replied. “I meant, do you spank or get spanked?”


“I’m, I’m a bottom, that is, I get spanked. I’ve had fantasies about it since early childhood.”

“And your husband’s interests?”

Oh. My. God.

“Okay. Well, he has fantasies about it being done to him but didn’t like the reality,. He spanks me.”

It’s odd, but I find it harder to talk about Paul’s interests than my own. Like I’m being disloyal or talking about him behind his back. Crazy, I know. But then that’s why I’m here in the first place.

“Does he enjoy spanking you?”

“He says he does,” I reply, trying for humor.

“What do you think?”

“I think he enjoys it too.”

And that was it. The subject changed, we went on with an equally embarrassing but not kinky line of questions. The interview ended and I walked to the shuttle stop to head back to Union Station.

I’m glad I told the truth. This doctor too just wants to keep me healthy and happy. That being the case, he’s not going to be down on me being spanked, right?

And finally, if you have the luxury of being able to choose a doctor and it matters for them to be kink aware, this is where the list is: Kink Aware Professionals.

11 thoughts on “Talking With the Doctor

  1. Indiana

    Good to see you back here, too, Mija! (Blog readers are prompt informers).
    In addition to the good advice you provide, the conversation with the doctor was absolutely hysterical. My favorite line was your horror at having used the pedantic “one” in spoken conversation. Could be worse. You could have nodded sagely in agreement with the good doctor and said, “Quite, quite.” 🙂
    Thanks for sharing.

  2. DaddysLucy

    I’m a longtime PB reader and I’m just now making it around to the blogs. I started seeing a therapist recently and had to have the awkward “I’m in a domestic discipline/ dominant-submissive” relationship, and yeah, I was waaaay more embarrassed about it than he was. It’s been a non-issue, or something he brings up to reinforce something positive, ever since.
    I still haven’t gotten the nerve to tell him I get spanked, though! I think he’s figured it out by now… right?

  3. Mija

    Wow… replies!
    Paul said this would be the test to see who still has me on their feed reader.
    Lucy, I find it easier to say “impact play” somehow than spanking. But then I tend to find saying everything easier than saying spanking. I’m really glad to read you had a good doctor / therapist experience too!
    Thanks for the reinforcement Indiana. “Quite quite” would have been worse. Especially if I’d been looking over my glasses.

  4. sparkle

    Welcome back, mija.
    And yes, impact play *does* come out more easily. By the way, since he knew what it was without asking, he’s obviously come across it before.
    Big hugs,

  5. Mija

    Thanks sparkle. And hugs to you too… when we had breakfast with M and Iris the other day I thought about how much more fun it would be if you and Chris could have been there too.
    As to the doc, given that he’s in his 70s, one of my fondest wishes is not to tell him anything he hasn’t heard before. 😉

  6. jigsaw analogy

    Brave. I’m impressed.
    And what’s *wrong* with using “one” in casual conversation? It’s not like using a term like “metacognition,” after all. (I tease W about this one, since she’s always saying she’s not as smart as I am, and then she goes around using terms like that when talking about a tv show we’re watching.)
    Personally, I find it much easier to discuss kink than to discuss discipline in my relationship. Kink, I’ve got a lot of in-person examples of it being safe and healthy. But the discipline, and my deep need for that kind of structure? Oooof. Not easy, not at all.
    I’m likely to be posting more on the topic of discussing this with therapists, and I did over at this thing we do (click on my name for the url, since I can’t post the link in the comment). But I think people who aren’t also multiple might not have to worry about the specific issues that are causing my therapist to express doubts about DD in my relationship.

  7. Bridget

    Try some of the poly issues that come up at your anual exam. When they start asking for details to get dynamics straight it can be interesting.
    “No, I’m not monogamous… Well, my boyfriend and I live with another woman… Yeah. Then my other boyfriend is married. The other woman we live with also is seeing my boyfriend with the wife…”
    I ended up having to draw her a diagram.

  8. Kayley

    Well, luvky me – I was missing you a bit so I landed on this page, hoping for update. Lucky me, again. 😉
    Yeah, that was an odd conversation and I’d rather go for uttering anything else rather than ‘spanking’ to anybody. But stop complaining, you people: the word ‘spanking’ sounds oh-so-easy-to-pronounce in English. What would I tell my doctor in my own language if I were to be asked what I am into, since the only word I know and have always used is ‘spanking’? *horror* And if the doctor doesn’t understand and asks for a definition in my own language?
    Anyway, glad to see you back on your blog! Hope Pablo is also ok. 🙂

  9. tinaslut

    Wonderful story! That’s the problem we always have: telling “normal” people about what we do and why…
    You have a great blog and I will return often. Take care.
    tina from Sweden

  10. Mija

    ja: As ever, I’m so impressed with your courage. I’ve never managed to discuss the discipline element of our relationship with anyone outside the scene. I’m not sure I could. I think that’s partly because I’d be worried about what they’d think of me, but I suspect I’d be even more worried about what they’d think of Paul. The ironic thing is, I think I worry about that a lot more than he does.
    Sorry for disabling the link comment feature. I was getting a ton of comment spam. Maybe it should go back now though.
    Bridget: My sister jokes about that with regard to x-rays. She’s always being asked if she could be pregnant (answer, No) and then being asked if she’s sexually active (answer, Yes) and then for her form of birth control (Answer, None). After going around and around a few times, she learned that the right answer to the birth control question was to say “My *wife* and I don’t use any.” Did you xerox your diagram for future use? It would make a great banner for your blog. 😉
    Kay: you’re timing, as ever, is wonderful. The language issues must make this harder — especially since your scene language does seem to be English!
    Paul’s great despite being married to me — he should be back blogging in his own space sometime soon.
    tina: nice to meet you and thanks for the kind words.


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