Anxiety disorder or just my life?

I don't really have a question about this.  I know I suffer from anxiety disorder, complete with panic attacks that wake me up from a sound sleep feeling like I'm having a heart attack.  I also have manic depression (or bipolar disorder 1).  I know I get depressed at this time of year, every year and have for as long as I can remember.  I know all this, really.  I take medications daily (geodon and lexapro daily, ambien and xanax when the anxiety or insomnia get to be too much).  

But like everyone else I know, I also have a stressful life. I'm trying to finish final revisions to my dissertation.  Trying to go on the job market in English despite their being almost no jobs.  Trying not to think too much about the fact my job ends in a month (when I stop being a student) while also trying to find another job. Trying to be a good daughter when my dad is living with us.  Trying to be a good partner to the one I love best while knowing my dad may be slowly driving him crazy.  Trying to keep a handle on everything.

Part of me thinks anyone would feel stressed, anxious and depressed in the same circumstances, that it isn't a matter of what my mental health is like.  This part of me wants to go off medication, whispers that if I just exercised every day, kept a decent sleep schedule and ate more healthy foods, I could do everything that needs to be done.  This part of me thinks I don't need any more doctors, what I need is self discipline (or maybe external discipline too, though that has its own guilt attached).   This part believes if the doctors and drugs don't make me perfect, maybe I can be perfect without them.

This part of me doesn't want to go to an intake appointment with a new therapist tomorrow morning.  Doesn't want to bare my soul to another stranger.  I've talked about this before

Fortunately I don't trust this part of me anymore. I know better.  So much as I hate it, I'll be at the appointment.  Hope I like her. 

8 thoughts on “Anxiety disorder or just my life?

  1. Em

    I hope you like her too. I have a lot of those same feelings, and they’ve kept me from seeking help when I knew somewhere deep down that I needed it. After all, I thought, if I’m just not disciplined enough or strong enough, how can someone else/a pill/talking about/etc. make me better?
    Sorry, I still don’t have any answers. But just wanted you to know that you’re definitely not alone.

  2. Angie

    That part of you? The one whispering that crap? I would hazard a guess that it’s part of the disease. Please forgive me for the comparison, but there was always that ‘voice’ whispering to my brother that he didn’t need his medication, too. OK, so, maybe that voice was an actual delusion but I’ve made the comparison before that mental illnesses are like the kinds of cancers that disguise themselves as normal cells — so that they get completely missed during screenings. They know how to ‘hide’ from the therapists, family members, even ourselves when they need to so they can continue growing, morphing, changing into something that appears to have “suddenly” taken over entire bodily systems – i.e. our minds.
    What is fantastic here, for you, is that you know that you need those medications, you know what your patterns are, and the disease can’t hide from you and do bigger damage because you’re being fooled into thinking that it’s gone away (or was never really there). I’m glad you don’t trust that part of you — I wish we could exorcise it for you, because I really do know how much it sucks to have a part of you that you have to actively not trust.

  3. Tony Elka

    Does it affect you when we change the clocks in the fall? It gets to me, that first Sunday night when it gets dark really early. I’m 51 years old and it still makes me feel like there’s school tomorrow.

  4. Mija

    Thanks for your kind thoughts. And, of course, it means you aren’t alone either. I hope, if you do seek help, you have as much luck as I have finding good people to work with.

  5. Mija

    Thanks Angie, I do appreciate your thoughts. And I did notice, after I read your comment that I hadn’t put “I know” before my bipolar statement. Part of me is still in denial, part of me does hide.
    I hate being the focus of attention.
    So I know but don’t know if that makes sense.
    hugs back!

  6. Mija

    The change in the clock does affect me, but it’s more the change in the length of the days. I can feel my body / mind slow down as the days get shorter and darker. Goodness only knows how bad this would be if I lived anywhere other than Los Angeles.
    But yes, it getting dark so early definitely sucks. Though I do appreciate getting up and out in the morning light.

  7. Emma Jane

    I’m glad that you know the best thing to do and can recognise the things that are pushing you over. Your life isn’t simple at the minute, not easy to deal with everything, so don’t be too hard on yourself.
    And well done on sharing, I hope it helps, I for one want to listen. Hugs, EJ xxx

  8. alice

    i think the best thing you could’ve done you’ve already done it, meaning acknowledging that you have a know what they say, that that’s the first step to curing. from that, you should follow the doctor’s advice and try to recharge your organism with positive energy.


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