To be real OR What I like about Paul

paul-with-hat
[Note: this feels like the weirdest blog entry I’ve ever written.  Paul‘s dozing in the other room, not knowing I’m in here at my macbook thinking about him.  I’m writing this because I asked on Twitter for ideas of what to blog about and both Indy and Casey suggested writing something about little things Paul does to turn me on or a verbal portrait of him topping me.  This is me giving it a try.]

First I’m pretty sure Paul will not like this blog entry.  He’s a private person and hates hearing good things about himself much more than he worries about hearing bad stuff.  But he’s always said I can write about whatever I like so I guess today I’m putting that to the test.

What I like about Paul is that he’s different from everyone else I know or play with.  Different in every way, including the scene (which is what I’m mostly going to write about here).  How so I hear you ask?

First, he only ever wants to be himself and, consequently, wants me to be me.  Sometimes this is hard as I like roleplay and find it easier to be someone else than to be me.  He doesn’t mind me roleplaying, but as he is always Paul, he always relates to me as me. My scenes with him go very deep very fast and I think it’s because there’s no mask, no tiny part of myself kept outside.  When I roleplay I can take quite a bit, but there’s a little bit of detachment because what’s happening is happening to Girl X, not Annie.   With Paul, he sees me as me, isn’t imagining me as someone else or thinking of me as having done something made up. This is intense and all-consuming.

This doesn’t mean we don’t do school scenes — indeed readers here will know I have more school uniforms than the average bear (or even women in the school scene).  But I’m not roleplaying a school girl when I wear them for Paul.  Rather, I’m wearing a school uniform for someone with a school uniform fetish. He’s not pretending I’m a 16 – 18 year old.  Rather, I’m my 43 year-old self wearing a school uniform for him.  I know he finds it and me attractive and doesn’t wish I could somehow pass as a “real” anything other than what I am.  Having seen so many friends over the years agonize about “getting too old” for the school scenes I know they love, knowing he wants me just as I am in my uniforms is incredibly liberating.   I wear them for him just because, get spanked in them because wearing them makes him want to spank me and me feel like I should be spanked.

When we do do school scenes (which is less often than I’d like), there’s something I need to do, be it a maths lesson, spelling or as we did most recently, calligraphy practice.  I try as hard as I can, the lesson is real and so is the discipline.  There’s a chance I could do it perfectly, not be spanked much at all and I can strive, try, work hard. This is so much more satisfying for me than either making up an offense or trying to get spanked in roleplay.  Paul is into good girls, likes the idea of a girl trying to do well and either needing to be spanked so she knows she’s being looked after or being corrected for mistakes she’s trying not to make.  That’s my hot-button, to know I’m being watched over closely, held to a very high standard and corrected for not quite meeting it, however hard I’ve tried.

And there it is.  Not the only things I like about Paul, but the way in which scenes with him are different than those I’ve done with pretty much anyone else.  That doesn’t even touch on the real life stuff.  But the Punishment Book is full of those stories if you’re interested in them.

4 thoughts on “To be real OR What I like about Paul

  1. Pandora

    Your last-but-one paragraph sums up a central aspect of my kink absolutely perfectly. In fact I can relate to a lot of this, including enjoying a particularly intense, “real” play connection with my partner and the corresponding effects on my tolerance (lower than in roleplay) and not getting to enjoy it as often as I’d like! That particular kind of depth, intensity and focus means you both need more energy going into it, particularly the top, so perhaps it’s not surprising it’s a rarer occurrence than more casual spanking scenes. I do sometimes envy people who have tops who are good at the casual stuff, but every time we’re actually in scene and I’m blown away by the emotional rawness of it I change my mind.
    Thankyou for writing this post, I really enjoyed it. I’m sure Paul will too, despite protestations!

    Reply
  2. Mija

    Thanks Pandora. I hadn’t considered really that we play so intensely that of course we don’t play as often in reality as my fantasies would like. But its true, after most of our scenes I’m in my own world for hours or even days.
    Nice, but not a place I could go daily.
    As to Paul, well, he had the good manners to claim not to mind at least.

    Reply
  3. Indy

    Speaking of good manners, I have to give Casey full credit — I merely seconded her excellent suggestions. If that helped bring about this wonderful post, all the better!

    Reply
  4. Zille Defeu

    I love this post.
    Seeing Paul through your eyes was really touching … and I don’t mean that in some Hallmark-soft-focus-kittens way, but I mean it really impressed me and resonated with me.
    My two preferred play styles are as-realistic-as-possible role-play (so unfortunately I’m going to be one of your friends who angsts about getting too old for the uniform), and then real life punishments for real infractions.
    In my perfect world there would be a list of things I had to do (or not do) and if I messed up, there would be a punishment for that. And then, when I was being good, the reward would be lots of role-play fun!
    I would also include real-life lessons like yours. We had a great time helping me study for my CA driver’s license. Mr Defeu even mentioned it as a fond memory just the other day.
    Like you & Pandora, I can play harder from the safety of a role. If I’m actually getting punished, I can be in tears before the punishment even starts!
    It occurs to me that I’m putting down good material here that should really be a PB post! So I’ll draw this to a close, and just thank you again for sharing this little peak into your lives. I really enjoyed getting to know you both that wee bit better. 🙂

    Reply

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