Category Archives: weblogs

Coffee, Spanking and Shadow Lane

[Wasn’t this blog topic a wonderful chance to use this classic coffee advertisement?]

Those of you who know me in real life or on Twitter know that I have a pretty intense relationship with coffee.  I don’t like getting up  in the morning, but the knowledge that when I do I get to have a cup of coffee with a bit of half-and-half and three Splenda packets lures me out of bed. I usually start tweeting with my first cup and feel a lovely glow about half way through it.

Twitter has added to my coffee ritual. Here, every morning over coffee, are many of my lovely spanking peeps, also having coffee and getting ready for the day (or dinner and getting ready for the night in the case of the UK folks).  It helps me live a bit of my fantasy that we all live in a lovely (semi-)functional spanking community.  Later in the day I sometimes meet up on Twitter for an afternoon coffee and bit more tweeting.

But once a year I get to do more than that. At Shadow Lane, there’s a coffee bar in the ground floor of the casino. Every morning, when I wake up, I can text friends and have them show up to drink coffee with me.  For a weekend every year I get to live in a spanking community.

This past year, Shadow Lane 2011 was great. As Kaelah wote, I met her and Ludwig (and was caned by her very own hand — well her very own hand holding one of Paul’s canes). I also spanked Indy in a lovely scene witnessed and encouraged by Paul and Judy. Yet, as ever, some of my very favorite moments of the party were the informal ones, chatting about scene, life and everything else, while sipping coffee with friends old and new.


Many thanks to padme and @bronte_a0a for inspiring this post.


This October el tercer ojo Is 7: Help Me Celebrate

This month el tercer ojo turns seven. I’m hardly the most regular or most prolific blogger, but it doesn’t feel like it’s been seven years since I started writing here. Still when I look back to 2004, it seems a long time ago and a lot has happened since then. I’ve gotten married, lost more than 200 pounds (gained 40 of it back), Paul’s become a permanent resident, I’ve studied calligraphy, had three different jobs, been unemployed and finished my Ph.D.

When it started, this blog was a political blog, a place for me to put political rants that I didn’t want to put on the newsgroup. My thought was that it would be kinky as and when I needed it to be. Over time though, it became a space for my kink writing, though it’s still more of a public diary than anything else.  I’ve written about my wedding, Paul’s green card, a bipolar diagnois, Harry Potter and my struggles with my Ph.D. Calligraphy and spanking. There’s been lots here about Shadow Lane, hand tawsing & spanking.

Sometimes I think I’ve said everything I have to say, that this blog has written itself out. But then there’s something I want to say and people I want to read it. I’ve always written, but having readers matters to me and I want to thank you for bearing with me when the posts have been thin on the ground, or weren’t about things you wanted to hear.  This month I’d like to give something back.  What would you like to see me post more about?  Politics? Spanking? Hand tawsing? Spanking? Calligraphy? Spanking? Chicana feminism? Spanking? Book reviews? Spanking? Recipes? Spanking? Seriously, this month I’m going to try and post every day so it’s the right time to ask. I do want some ideas about what to write about. Seven years is a long time.

Playing With Others

Reading around I’ve been struck by two blog entries, both of which have made me want to express some thoughts myself.

First there’s Poppy’s post: Girl on Girl Action where she writes about her lack of interest in F/F play.  In the comments section she and Erica (who feels the same way) write about feeling a sexual tension with their spanker which makes the M/F dynamic the one that resonates for them. This makes perfect sense and we all like what we like, but it prompted me to think about my own play and interests.

There’s no doubt that I like M/F, M/M and F/F in about that order (I’m less into reading F/M but have and do) but also about equally. What matters most to me is that there be little to no sexual tension / erotic energy. The less of it there is the more erotic I find it. The same is true with my play — I don’t generally feel erotic tension with almost anyone I play with. For me, spanking play is generally an expression of friendship and caring in that sense. Playing with someone, with a few exceptions, doesn’t increase or excite my sexual attraction for that person.

This past Shadow Lane I played a F/F scene with a friend. It was lighthearted but intense play with lots of energy, but little to none of it sexual. That’s generally the case when I play with women, but it’s also equally the case when I play with men. Spanking, for me, feels like its own sexuality (or something-ality) somehow outside my normal sense of the erotic.

In a different, but, for me, related post, Kaelah wrote about anxieties about playing with and in front of others. Playing in front of others is something that sometimes feels right for me, but more frequently I prefer to do scenes in private. Other times I want to play with someone else and want Paul there to see / watch, especially when I know the top in question likes performing.  And I’ve enjoyed having a public audience for my hand tawsing scenes. Mostly though, play is something I like doing in private.

Kaelah’s post reminded me of something else though. The achingly insecure jealousy I used to feel when Paul played with other people. Don’t get me wrong, I was playing with others myself and wanted him to do the same. But I couldn’t get over my good fortune in having found someone who loves me and wants to spank me. I knew I was his first partner and was sure, for too long a time, that he’d soon find someone he liked playing with better than me and wouldn’t love me anymore. It drove me nuts because I knew these feelings stemmed from my own insecurities, not from anything real. Even when Paul did develop intense feelings for another, it never made him feel less for me.

I’d like to say that I’ve outgrown these feelings of insecurity. Mostly I have. But what I’m struck by is how worth it playing with others is. Spanking, for me, as an expression of friendship has allowed me to feel intense affection for people I see rarely yet feel I know intimately. And of course I want the same for Paul. (In fact, I feel a lot of affection for anyone he plays with too. It’s like I’ve played with them by proxy.)

Discussion, Disagreement and Discord

I was raised in a family that was both loving and, at the same time, abusive.  There was physical abuse from my father which left its marks on me, most of which are long in the past and have been healed by the consensual play I've engaged in with Paul and others.  The ones that left the most lasting scars have been my mother's anger.  Disagreements with her were fraught events.  She never argued fairly and would say anything in moments of heated anger, expecting all would be forgotten and forgiven when the moment had passed.

I wasn't like that and would burn inside at the injustice, thinking of what I should have said long after, never feeling good about myself because of the personal attacks.  At the same time, politics and religion could be discussed civilly with disagreements encouraged and fair debate encouraged.  Needless to say, by the time I reached adulthood, disagreements left me feeling frightened.  Even though I would hide that fear and take on issues that mattered to me, I still felt inwardly vulnerable, wanting proof that disagreement wouldn't mean dislike or abuse.  For the first few years after I came out in the scene I avoided all disagreements with anyone in the scene, carefully sidestepping issues.  This was not easy as we were on Usenet, but I knew with regard to spanking I felt too vulnerable, would be too easily hurt.

Yes, I got past it, kind of.  But the discussion this week here and on Indy's site with Ludwig and especially Kaelah has reminded me my childhood is long past.  That one can disagree with passion and civility.  I appreciated their honesty and their thoughts, even while wishing I could convince them to side with me instead.  We're not close friends (really we're more friends of friends) but I didn't feel there was discord or dislike, rather that we were hashing out our positions, looking at the common ground and the disagreements, marking where each point lay and why it was there.

This isn't much of a blog post except to say that's a big deal for me. And I appreciate it.

2010 – Closing Days, Opening Lines

[I got the idea for this blog post from padme’s blog (and she got it from viemoira’s who got it from — well you get the idea –) and it seemed like a fun idea. This blog entry is constructed by taking the opening sentence or two from the first blog post of each month.]

This blogging idea seemed especially appropriate in the closing days of 2010 — especially since I missed Love Our Lurkers Day this year.  I want to thank everyone for taking the time to read here during 2010, especially if you left a little comment here and there.  It wasn’t an easy year, but it’s one I’m going to remember.  There’ve been sad moments — the death of Alex being the worst and most enduring among them, the loss of Bryson being up there too.  But it’s also the year I finally finished my Ph.D, the year I started studying calligraphy (on hiatus for the past six months) and most wonderful, the year Bryson was returned to me twice over.

Thanks for traveling with me.

: Welcome to 2010. It was a great Christmas and thus far a great new year.  Despite the fact I should really be working on my dissertation all day, every day in every bit of available free time for the next six months, I’ve decided to celebrate this year by taking a calligraphy class, something I’ve been wanting to do for at least the last twelve years.

February: No of course this isn’t about my dissertation (though no doubt that’s what I should be doing rather than writing to you, faithful and much neglected Reader). It’s about my first research love — which would be anything related to corporal punishment.

March:  The other day I was at my calligraphy class, which is held at a middle school in Beverly Hills.  When I came out I saw the following very cute SmartCar police car.  It’s a real police car, complete with lights and siren.  So very cute — and like all SmartCars it looks like you could pick it up and tuck it in your pocket.

April: No blog entries.  For shame!

May: For those of you not following me on Twitter, I’ve had an amazing time during April (and part of May) which explains the radio silence here and elsewhere.  Here’s my attempt to explain it all in one fell swoop though I suspect more news will come out as time goes on.

June: This story was written for the 2010 SSC (Short Story Contest). Go on, play along.

Yes, yes, you don’t have to tell me.  I already know there are pages where I can go and look for “trending” topics, find out what words and letter codes are being used to discuss this or that.  I =know= all that.

July: As I wrote a while ago, I’m bipolar 1.  For eighteen months I was a good girl and took lithium twice a day — had bloodwork for it on schedule once a month.  The drug worked, in so far as my mind and body were quieted by it. And goodness I slept well.  But maybe it worked too well.

August: In an economic time when so many adult children are moving back in with their parents, I’m experiencing the opposite. My dad has now lived with Paul and me for six months.  While he stayed with us two years ago for some months, this is the longest stint and one with no end in sight.

September:  Paul and I got back on Thursday from our travels.  Where have we been?  Vegas where we attended yet another amazing Shadow Lane party.  Northeast England, where we visited Paul’s family and I got to attend a wonderful conference. London, where Paul attended a counter protest about the Pope’s visit and finally Paris, where we spent far too little time. Through it all we got to play in hotel rooms.  I feel like my mojo got a lot of love.

October: Today is a Ferris Bueller kind of day for me.  You see, I’ve called (well, emailed) in sick to work. I am a bit sick — allergy eyes, ears and throat making me feel a bit like I have a cold. Mostly though I was aware I can’t be out tomorrow and was a bit afraid I’d end up really out sick if I kept pushing it.  Plus, my mom is coming in tomorrow so today is likely the last day I can be home alone with Paul for a few weeks.

November: I don’t really have a question about this.  I know I suffer from anxiety disorder, complete with panic attacks that wake me up from a sound sleep feeling like I’m having a heart attack.  I also have manic depression (or bipolar disorder 1).

December: I’m going to try for 25 blog posts in the month of December.  Why?  No real reason except to remind myself what it’s like to blog every day.  My promise isn’t to do the impressive thing others (like Graham) have done and try and have kink stuff daily. Much as I might want to, that’s not going to happen.  But my promise is to try and write something every day.

And that’s it.  To you other bloggers out there, come play along — it’s a great way to get a sense of the year past.  I’m going to do the PB next.  🙂   Thanks to padme for blogging hers!

First Time: Topping

Over on she and Ludwig's wonderful blog, Kaelah recounted her first topping experience (wonderful reading), then ended the post with a series of questions, to wit:

Can you recall your feelings prior to your first topping experience? Was there a lot of excitement? Did you have any concerns? Who was involved in the scene and what kind of relationship did the participants have? And where did it happen, in private or in public? Or are you maybe still in the process of deciding whether to take the plunge or not? I'm looking forward to reading your stories and thoughts in the comment section!

I started writing in the comment section, but as ever, Blogger doesn't let me write very much and these are questions I wanted to take a little time over.  Plus, well, I do have my promise to blog here every day during advent.  With that in mind, here are my answers.

My first experience as a spanker, for I'm not sure even now that I've really topped in the sense of feeling totally in control of a scene, was on my second play date with Fireman Chris– on our first time he had only spanked me briefly with his hand.  Chris brought his bag of tricks over to my place and we looked through all the implements.  He suggested I remove anything I didn't want to try and I remember putting away a few heavy wooden paddles.  We then made up an game where we took turns whacking each other and trying to guess what the other had been using.  A wrong guess brought more whacks, a right one meant switching places.  On the one hand, the play ended up being physically pretty heavy, but it was playful and non-threatening.  Most of the implements were paddles and short straps so they weren't hard to use properly and there was much laughter.  

All in all I think it was the best introduction to spanking I could have had.  I could focus just on technique, landing only a few smacks each time.  I don't know I've ever been as comfortable using implements again as I was during that round of play.  At the time I wanted to be a switch and this gave me a taste of being a spanker without having to find any headspace.  As I've sense discovered, there isn't a lot for me to find.  What energy I have for topping is based not on enjoyment of being in control, but on an enjoyment of the act of spanking with my hand, mostly due to the pleasure of watching the other person color.  Sadly this doesn't make me the right sort of top for Paul.  I'm not really a switch and I don't really top.  I do, in the right moments, really enjoy giving a lengthy hand spanking to dear friends. 

But for what its worth, that my memory of my first time.

Vote For Zille! 2010 Best New Spankee of the Year

The lovely blogger and model Zille Defeu (one of the charming and witty PB co-authors) has been nominated on the as the best new spankee of the year.

Though I’m not sure “new” quite describes someone with the range and experience of Zille, I’m thrilled for the chance to recognize her film work and encourage you to click here and vote for Zille.  I mean, look at this picture.  Doesn’t she clearly deserve it? (To win I mean.  What on earth were you thinking?)



Right after I hit send I thought I’d add this.  In addition to her own blog writing and modeling, Zille has done a lot in the spanking scene this year.  I don’t follow her every move (much as that might be great fun) but I’ve seen her organize the CF-CP spanking party up in San Francisco (and epic fun night) and know she’s worked as a volunteer judge for this year’s SSC contest.  She’s also attended Shadow Lane as well as UK hosted parties.  She and her partner were a great help at helping run errands for the Northern Spanking suite party at Shadow Lane.

What’s my point?  Vote for Zille not because she’s got a pretty face.  Vote for her because, in best sense of the term, she’s a good all-rounder and gives back to our scene and community.  What more can anyone ask of anyone, spankee or not?

Bonnie’s Question: Choosing Spanking

[I didn't get a chance to answer this Sunday, but it was such an interesting question I thought I'd reply here and maybe crosspost to the PB.]

This week at her brunch, Bonnie asked: 

Have you or your partner been given a choice between receiving a spanking or something else and chose the spanking? If so, how does the act of consciously choosing to be spanked alter the spankee's mindset?

In discipline or punishment terms, I always choose the not-spanking option.  It's not often that Paul gives me a choice — a large part of what works in our dynamic is that I'm not in control, that I don't get to decide.  But when I've had the option of writing lines or something non-physical I think I've always chosen it.  This is because for me the idea that I could be spanked is the powerful one, more powerful even than the act of being spanked.  

I suppose in reality most of the time I'm being punished I've chosen to be spanked in the sense that I could always opt out.  Probably.  I've never tried to though.  The times I've asked to be spanked / punished for something are few and far between.  Those have been very submissive moments and during the punishments I've found it easier to accept the pain and not struggle against it. 

Play is different.  I do ask for spankings sometimes in play / everyday life.  Those times, when I get them which is almost always, I feel a lovely contentment and gratitude for my partner.  Best of all?  When he pounces on me and spanks me just because he wants to — those times I feel attractive and well loved. 

Advent Blogging

I'm going to try for 25 blog posts in the month of December.  Why?  No real reason except to remind myself what it's like to blog every day.  My promise isn't to do the impressive thing others (like Graham) have done and try and have kink stuff daily. Much as I might want to, that's not going to happen.  But my promise is to try and write something every day.  

Whether it'll be worth reading is a whole other issue….  Stay tuned.